Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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