I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
