hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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