I cannot find my penis.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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