You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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