i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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