this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
