You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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