Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
