apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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