Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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