My hand turned me down
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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