I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
