oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
