your parents love me but you hate me
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
