You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
