We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
