I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
