Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
