Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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