You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Floor bacon is actually really good
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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