Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
