so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
