thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
