Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
