I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
