I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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