That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
