either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
