I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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