Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
