I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
