I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
