Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
