wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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