Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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