when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
