He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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