And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
