im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
