So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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