Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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