My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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