My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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