Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
