he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
