My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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