we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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