Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
