the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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